(This is a compilation of my work with clients, books I’ve read, friend’s stories, and personal experience over the years).
1. You’re the hero and the best thing that ever walked the planet as long as you feed into their ego. However the second you try to differentiate, or are “onto them,” its game over (Google “narcissistic discarding”).Some will just leave, others will try to harm you. This happens with children once they start to develop their own identities, the parent is no longer interested in them. This results in abuse, neglect, etc.
2. The rules: they get to behave however they want, and you’re expected to just jump on board. If you have a problem with something they said or did, then its YOUR problem. Often they will act in abusive ways then pretend like NOTHING ever happened. Welcome to the twilight zone.
3. They may first try to get the person to doubt their own reality (aka gaslighting), but if they cant do that they will try to discredit them in some way (make them look crazy, sick, etc) so that no one will believe them if they speak up.
Often it is disguised as concern: “I’m so worried about _________________ they’ve been acting _______________ lately.” Or, “Bless their heart . ..” It DOESNT MATTER what the words are. It’s literally all the same.
Most of the time people around them will parrot back what they’ve been told, but when asked where they got that word or idea are unable to trace it back to the person. Its because it was accepted as fact and not questioned at the time they heard it.
FINAL THOUGHTS:
Those that are being narcissistically abused do not feel abused. They feel SPECIAL. They feel NEEDED. They feel like they’re STRONG enough to HANDLE IT. People die trying to be “strong enough.” If not a physical death- a soul one.
Staying in this type of relationship may cause you to question your identity and have trouble trusting yourself AND others. Its mind control. This is why it’s important to avoid the trap of trying to FIGURE IT OUT. Once again, you will die trying. Narcissistic behavior is based on what their goals are in that moment. This can change every hour.
Many people stay because they’re worried about the person- this is often because they have threatened self harm, etc. Every situation is different but usually the person will just find another source. Often they already have someone else lined up. In severe cases people become interchangeable to them, so it really doesn’t matter who it is.
RECOVERY:
- This happens only when you choose yourself and heal the need to ever “handle it,” again.
- Taking yourself out of the game and refusing to be siphoned (Google “narcissistic supply”) anymore.
- Allow yourself to grieve who you thought they were and the illusion of a relationship you believed you were in. Learn that healthy love NEVER requires you to abandon yourself.
- Connect with a Higher Power and (maybe) realize they were with you all along.
- Emerge with a new sense of peace and empowerment that can only come after you’ve gone through the eye of the needle.
- View what you’ve been through as a “boot camp” for the rest of your life- an initiatory experience.
Go forth. ..you are free!
(One final note in comments section)
Photo: Seaside, FL July 2020
Anatomy of an Awakening 
This post is not to suggest that people who exhibit narcissistic traits are not human and dont deserve healing or love.
I believe in most cases they are acting out of unresolved trauma and deep wounding.
Having a front row seat to this is literally the saddest thing ever.
We have ALL acted out of pain at some point, and most likely hurt others in the process.
This post is about our decision to participate in someone’s self abuse, that sometimes bleeds over to others.
Sometimes we have to step away from things that are harmful so that we can do our own healing work instead of perpetuating these patterns.
I wish for every human to have all the goodness this life has to offer, but they have to choose it for themselves- and accepting that they may not do that in this lifetime.
(Insert Serenity Prayer 🙏)
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