SEE me

At some point last year (2020) I suddenly became very anxious about being alone. Solitude was met with an uneasiness at best, and at worse a sense of impending doom.

I wish I could say time with others helped- however subconsciously I knew I was just avoiding the inevitable (being alone with myself), so even that offered little relief.

This was all VERY uncharacteristic for me, as I’ve always enjoyed alone time and could spend a whole weekend reading, laying out, or doing crafts without a thought. Actually, I thoroughly enjoyed it. Add in a guinea pig or two and one might call it Heaven 😉

However, something had shifted- and I was determined to figure out what it was.

If anyone knows the truth behind the saying “Wherever you go, there you are,” its the one who’s moved multiple times over the past few years, and who has to be intentional about allocating funds for a storage unit at all times 🙋‍♀️

As annoying as it was, I knew this wasn’t going away on it’s own. I had to BE with it.

While trying to put my finger on what the trigger was, I remembered my cousin convincing me once that I was invisible while at a family cookout.

I couldn’t have been more than 7 years old, and it went on for about 20 minutes before I finally said “If I’m invisible then why do people tell me I’m pretty at the grocery store?” 😂🤦‍♀️

While this didn’t turn out to be the primary source of wounding and trauma in my adult life, it was a clue.

For the 20 minutes that I thought I was invisible, I dipped my toe in the water of not being SEEN or acknowledged.

How many times have we experienced this (consciously or unconsciously) over the course of our lifetime?

We may find ourselves asking:

• Do they even know I’m here?

• Would they notice or care if I weren’t?

• Would I be accepted if I showed up as my true, authentic self?

Over the years I’ve heard of people putting this to the test in various ways, and honestly I don’t recommend it. Sometimes I think ignorance is bliss when it comes to just how self-focused we are as a species.

The truth is, people can only see us as much as they see themselves. If they’re not present in their own life, it’s highly unlikely they’ll be able to show up for ours.

This could be due to an addiction, their own trauma, or just being spread thin during a busy season. It doesn’t always mean they don’t care.

The good news is, we are designed to provide for ourselves what others cannot. People are beautiful, and I truly believe do the best they can most days- but there will always be gaps.

How can we give ourselves what we need during these times? Journaling, physical activity, breathwork/meditation, or learning a new skill or hobby are some ways that come to mind.

You can also determine what is it you are seeking from other people (or what you would like to hear them say), then provide it to yourself.

Is validation from yourSELF as valuable as feedback and affirmation from the external?

Put another way: Does it carry the same weight coming from you to you?

If not, why? 🤔

Okay, now back to Oct of 2020: I realized that I had unintentionally become isolated due to the combination of covid, a Lyme flare up, and the move to NC where I essentially knew no one.

Sure I was still interacting with people to the extent that I was able (most things were shut down due to the pandemic) and continued to maintain long distance relationships- but I was missing the attunement that can only come from another humans nervous system (ideally a grounded and regulated one).

The underlying (albeit illogical) belief was that I was going to fade away into oblivion, never to be seen again. I felt like an astronaut that had gotten disconnected from her ship, untethered; flailing about with no anchor.

While this may sound ridiculous and dramatic, I think we all run the risk of this if we aren’t taking time to hold space for ourselves and form meaningful bonds with others.

As much as I’ve benefitted from running my “Lone Ranger” program over the years, I’ve learned I can only exist for so long as an island.

I’m so grateful for people who truly see and accept ALL of me, and in doing so help me to SEE myself.

Photo: Penrose, NC May 2021