Running our programs

First, what do I mean by “program?”

A program is a behavioral pattern that we tend to run on autopilot like computer software. Programs are based in belief systems (usually unconscious) that we’ve internalized earlier in life. While they probably made total sense back then, they’ve most likely become maladaptive at this point.

Programs can originate from childhood family dynamics, societal conditioning, or adaptations from stressful events.

To me they’re a little different than a single behavior in that a program can literally become the lens through which we view the world, and can permeate multiple aspects of our lives.

A few examples are as follows:

• “I have to sacrifice myself to be loved.”

• “It is my responsibility to rescue people from the consequences of their own actions.”

• “My worth is tied to my career success or productivity.”

• “I must stay busy at all times: it is not okay to rest.”

• “If I say what I truly think or feel people will get upset.”

• “It’s not safe to have or communicate needs.”

• “Love = ___________ ” (pain, confusion, abandonment, feeling trapped).

• “I am not capable of making decisions on my own. I need the input of several people, or to be told what to do.”

• “I can only be happy if people around me are happy. I am responsible for everyone’s emotions.”

As you can imagine, operating from even one these beliefs can keep us stuck in a loop that blocks us from what we truly want in life.

Also I dont want to sound negative or alarmist (because I’m running a program that those are “bad” lol) but if left unchecked and taken to the extreme, a program can result in abuse, illness, or even death.

Because they’re often complete blindspots, they usually have to materialize in the external world a few times before we can truly SEE them. Sometimes they have to get really loud.

Occassionally the awareness will be hovering somewhere in the peripheral of our minds, and we’re able to catch ourselves “doing that thing again,” but not always.

So, how do you stop running the program? Ultimately you heal the part of you that needs to participate in it. This will look different for everyone, but it usually involves inner child work of some type- since that’s when so many of our programs were installed (I believe it’s before age 7).

When I think back on my own life I can see some of the programs I was running, but honestly they hadn’t gotten painful enough to put forth the effort to discontinue them. Also, in many ways they were still serving me.

At some point I remember noticing something that I knew needed to be addressed, but I was in survival mode at the time so I decided to “let myself off the hook” and keep doing it 😂🤷‍♀️

Why we even put ourselves on “the hook” to begin with is a topic for another entry. ..

The point is, I’m a believer that you usually have to run the program until it runs out. Usually if you try to stop cold turkey, then the part of you that needs the behavior feels vulnerable and unprotected without the familiar coping mechanisms.

The good news is you can expedite the time it takes for it to “run out” by addressing the reason it’s there to begin with. A good example is an addiction that someone is using to cope with trauma. Once you heal the trauma you no longer need the addiction. Easier said than done, but that’s the basic idea.

“And the day came when the risk to remain tight in a bud was more painful than the risk it took to blossom.”

-Anais Nin

I am proud to report that I recently graduated from a pretty sophisticated program of my own, and am excited to see what my life looks like without it. It’s probably my 6th one this year, and each time I had to make a decision on whether to keep running it, or to let go of the life raft and try something new.

Sidenote: I’m not sure I “clear” this many programs every year, but my eyes have been opened and there’s no turning back (thus the usage of the word “awakening” in the title of my blog).

This most recent program I deconstructed one was the loudest and resulted in me telling my friend on the phone “trying a new way will be terrifying, but anything is better than 24/7 Groundhog Day, or riding the merry-go-round of hell that I’ve been on for 30 years.” Lol!

It reminds me of being burnt out at my hospice job in 2014 and anxiously awaiting an opportunity with the military. I remember a phone conversation with my mom where I referred to the saying “better the devil you know than the one you don’t.”

I literally said through tears (and probably holding my guinea pig Bear): “I’m ready to meet the new devil.” 😭😂

I’d decided it was time to go, even if it meant learning new paperwork, and that’s what it’s like to graduate a program.

I will now enjoy the next 24-48 hours before I discover another outdated program I’m still doing. Haha 🤦‍♀️

Onward and upward 🙏

Photo: Little River NC, August 2021