Frozen moment

I self-abandoned yesterday and did something I did not want to do just to avoid making other people uncomfortable.

Kept the external peace, but started my own internal battle.

“People-pleased” to my own detriment.

Put my needs on the back burner to avoid “causing a scene.”

Sound familiar?

I feel pretty confident in saying I’m not the only one that’s experienced self-abandonment, and that it’s actually one of the main programs that are “installed” in us from a young age- just another matrix overlay that disconnects us from our true self and keeps us disempowered.

Unfortunately this is the 2nd or 3rd time its happened this year, which is still a major improvement from years past when it was an almost daily occurrence. Nonetheless, it’s still so disheartening, considering all the work I’ve done to avoid this exact scenario.

I’ll write more about beating myself up over it in a future entry. For now I’d like to focus on the exact moment that I made the decision to give away my power.

In both situations I was faced with a choice. The problem was, I didn’t view it as a choice.

I interpreted that I was trapped- that doing what was being asked of me was a non-negotiable inevitability when it wasn’t. I gave away my power by not realizing I had any.

The truth is, no one was holding me down. The door wasn’t locked. The “show” would’ve gone on, regardless of my participation in it.

As my friend has said before: “We’ve found ourselves in the prison cell yet again- but forgot we’re holding the keys.”

Why does this happen? It’s most likely related to an earlier event where we truly could not leave.

This is why people dissociate or convince themselves that whats happening isn’t as bad as it seems- and in some cases convert it all the way over to a desirable situation. ..basically using denial to cope. I call this mental gymnastics and it’s more common than we realize.

In my case, I was overstimulated and struggled to stay present, or fully “in my body.” Once we leave our bodies, it’s nearly impossible to determine what we need, or how best to navigate the situation.

Quick note: I didn’t actually leave my body, but more like a little freeze up or zone out, as opposed to full-on astral travel or levitating lol.

It’s what I call “trauma freeze mode,” and it’s the equivalent of an animal playing dead in the wild in order to avoid being eaten by a predator.

It’s one of the harder trauma responses to heal from, because in retrospect you can think of a million other things you could have done or said that would have resulted in a more favorable outcome, but they just weren’t accessible at the time.

Freeze up events are also more likely to get “stuck” in our systems because unlike fighting back or leaving the situation, the shock energy doesn’t get discharged.

So. What now?

1. Remind myself I’m not responsible for other people’s emotions.

My job is to take care of myself and set boundaries if needed. What happens after that is theirs to work with.

2. Further increase my capacity to stay present and to access my internal knowing at all times.

To be so connected that nothing can pull me out of my center. To no longer be a slave to body sensations.

To have the wherewithal to ask and answer this question: “Lindsey, what do you need in this moment?” DONE.

These are true ninja skills.

3. Physical activity or activating breathwork to release any residual energy from the event.

It is over and is not allowed to live in my body and run the show anymore!

“Thank you, next.”

Final thoughts:

The title of this entry came from a production I saw in Nashville in 2018 where 5 women told about or reenacted their experiences with sexual assault/harassment.

It was really hard to watch, but provided a sense of closure in the second half of the show when they re-wrote the ending.

Wow, just wow.

The picture I chose for this entry is of a cow. I took it 2 weeks ago on my way home, not knowing if I’d even use it for the blog.

Unlike us, this cow is actually trapped. He literally cannot leave. “Mental gymnastics” may be his best bet at this point, but I’m so grateful we usually have other options ❤🙏

Photo: Hendersonville, NC November 2021