My current process
It’s that time of year when I take a look at my life and get really honest about the direction I’m headed.
Do I actually want to get to where I’m going?
In 2017 while in an Active Duty military position, I had the extremely uncomfortable realization that the “escalator” of my career was going up and up- but that I actually wanted to be on that one, over there.
Yikes.
Being government property is a hard one to extricate yourself from lol. Oops. ..
Fast forward a few years and I now find myself at yet another crossroads, but with less camo!
This time the question is: Do I still want to work in the capacity of a mental health therapist?
While I’ve certainly enjoyed supporting people on their healing journey, and wouldn’t trade any of my past experiences, the verdict is out on where I’ll go from here.
Besides my growing concerns with the Western mental health model and diagnostic criteria (more on that in a future post), I’m also questioning my own deeply personal reasons for continued participation in it- or not.
My friend (who is also a therapist) quoted a statistic the other day that most of us knew on some level that we wanted to go into the profession by the age of six.
While that may seem young to many, I cannot disagree. I obviously wouldn’t have had the verbiage by that age, but I’ve always known I wanted to help people in some capacity.
Now, here comes the more challenging part. Her and I are both the firstborn, and have always been very in tune with our parent’s emotional states- for better or worse.
Whether or not we were actually assigned this role, we internalized somewhere along the way that we were responsible for our parents’ wellbeing, and potentially that of younger siblings. ..and maybe even that of the whole world.
We were both very empathic and in many ways hyperconnected- picking up on subtle changes in the household related to life transitions, financial strain, current events, etc.
This sense of hyperesponsibility is common in the helping professions, military, and law enforcement. Basically we concluded from a young age “If it’s meant to be, it’s up to me.”
I’ve heard people describe it in a therapeutic setting as questioning “Who is driving this bus?” or thinking, “Oh no, if something happens to Mom and Dad, I’m next in line.”
It was heavy in some ways and alot of our personal healing work in adulthood has been to cultivate the ability to relax, play, rest, and trust. It doesn’t always feel safe to turn over the reigns or relinquish control.
Besides feeling the weight of caring for the family, children also adopt caretaking or fixing behaviors as a way to earn love or to avoid abandonment.
These codependent tendencies are especially common in homes where there is addiction, financial hardship, and abuse.
While the coping mechanisms learned in childhood can absolutely benefit us in our adult relationships and careers; they can also hinder us from experiencing the freedom that’s lies on the other side of shedding the layers of societal conditioning and stepping into our true, authentic selves.
So, back to my self-exploration journey. Regardless of what I end up doing, I want to know that I’m doing it because I wholeheartedly chose it, and not because I’m playing out an unconscious childhood program.
At this point in my life, I’m only interested in operating from a place of soul level buy-in; as I believe that’s the best way to love ourselves and heal our world.
Photo: Winston-Salem, NC January 2022
Anatomy of an Awakening 