I’m reading a book called Holding Sacred Space, and have been thinking more about my interactions with others- both personal and professional.
I really try to be present and honor other peoples’ experiences. I listen, ask questions, give feedback if appropriate, etc, but I recently noticed myself doing something that may be unintentionally hurtful.
I have a tendency to focus on the finish line by saying it will all work out or that they’ll be fine, etc because I firmly believe they will be.
However, this is bypassing the present moment entirely, and can come across as dismissive or invalidating.
I truly believe that I have the absolute most brilliant, strong, and beautiful people in my life, and I have no doubt they are capable of accomplishing anything they set their mind to.
That being said, if they come to me with a concern, me saying “You’ll be fine” most likely isn’t going to help anything.
Even if I KNOW they will be fine!
So. How do I hold the truth of my knowing, but still hold space for their experience?
Here’s what I’ve got: I can stand strong in my belief that this person has everything they need inside of them, and is perfectly capable of moving through this.
I described it in a previous entry as holding the frequency of “all is well.”
. ..AND attune to them by calming my own nervous system and being a “compassionate witness” for the person’s emotions (Dr. Stephen Porges).
This may include mirroring their facial expressions and asking clarifying questions, while practicing empathy (“feeling with”).
This isn’t really a goal-directed interaction, but if I had to name a goal, it would be to hold back the waves long enough for the person to catch their breath, possibly gain some insight, and ultimately access their own personal power.
Sidenote: attuning to others can be so challenging, especially if we didnt experience it in childhood- or at any point since then, but it is a skill that can be learned and refined.
Two things to look out for:
Merging- this is joining the person in their emotional state, which is not helpful. When this happens both people become heightened and it only affirms the hopelessness of the situation.
Rescuing- this is when we try to pull them out of the situation by offering solutions or interfering in some way. While very tempting, rescuing creates a dependency on ourselves and reinforces their victimhood.
The resucuing option is tempting though, because not only do we get to feel really special, it’s also easier in the short term. It temporarily alleviates our discomfort over seeling someone we love struggling, AND they get to be fixed.
Full disclosure: as a recovering merger, I have to be careful not to allow the pendulum to swing too far in the other direction (rescuing).
Personally, my favorite ways to rescue people are sending them a book/article, recommending a supplement to take, or telling them I “wrote a blog about that.” 🙄🤦♀️
Hey, it’s a process 🤷♀️
Photo: Winston-Salem, NC January 2022
Anatomy of an Awakening 