Going “no contact” with family members

No clever title on this one. I’m getting right to the point. This entry was inspired by an Instagram post from Dr. Nicole LePera (the Holistic Psychologist on social media) called “Reminders if you’re estranged from family,” and is posted in the comments section.

People have really strong opinions about this topic, but the only opinion that actually matters is the person’s that is experiencing it.

We each get one reality and that’s our own. We don’t get a say in boundaries that people set in an attempt to get more peace and less pain in their lives.

The truth is family is not a safe place for everyone, and to tell someone they need to continue showing up in a space where they are not valued or respected is ignorant at best- but in many cases, downright cruel.

People that come from “normal” families (not perfect, but cohesive/functioning) cannot imagine the events and emotions people experience leading up to the decision to discontinue relationships with family members.

In many cases the person has actually been pushed out, so the decision to no longer engage is actually them realizing that they’re not welcome there any longer and “taking a hint.”

In a therapeutic setting if someone is being mistreated, abused, gaslit, or is having to mentally/emotionally prepare for and recover from interactions, the question is not “How can you further adjust yourself to fit into this dysfunctional system?”

Instead I would say something to the effect of “Im curious about the part of you that continues to engage with people that cause harm, because more often than not, THAT is the part that needs healing and love.

It’s usually an inner child part that wants desperately to be accepted, but healing may actually take the form of realizing these people can never show up for us in the way that we need.

Determining whether they’re unwilling or unable is less important than updating the map in our heads and getting on board with what we’re being shown.

Further exploration of this topic: research “family scapegoat,” or “identified patient.” They are usually the ones in therapy because no one else will go.

Family scapegoats usually have physical or mental health concerns from years of absorbing the disowned shadow material of the family unit, then being narcissistically discarded for it. They may feel like the physical embodiment of the dysfunction, then are rejected on top of that.

They are the “seers” in a family that doesn’t want to be seen, and they pay the price.

When thinking about my purpose for writing this, it’s not only for those who have had to make the very difficult decision to seperate from their families, but also for well-meaning people who truly want to understand, but have no context.

As always, feel free to share with anyone you feel may benefit. ..more to come on family scapegoats and identified patients!

Photo: Outer Banks, NC January 2022