Letting go of the story

What does it look like to let go of the trauma story- or atleast take a break from it?

Hmmm. ..

I am noticing a part of me is concerned that I’ll be perceived as lacking compassion or empathy for writing this.

That part is growing very uncomfortable right about now, so as a compromise I will include the following disclaimer: I’m merely sharing my process; as opposed to suggesting everyone join me in it.

I’m writing this as someone who clung tightly to the story for a long time.

I did that because I thought needed it. It turns out it was only a part of me that needed it.

But because I was overidentified with that part, she was in the driver’s seat. Her needs became my (perceived) needs.

See, there was a part of me that was judging myself for being so “messed up,” and traumatized- so having a story to use as a sheild helped calm that part.

It gave me a reason: “Oh thats why I’m like this. ..I’m not just inherently flawed in some way.”

Aha. There it is. The underlying belief.

When we are simultaneously clinging tightly to a belief and judging ourselves for that belief, we’re basically forced to create another belief to relieve the pain and stress of the original one. ..and next thing we know we’ve built a whole Lincoln Log house (or Jenga tower) of a life based on false beliefs.

It is truly impossible to measure the energy we expend to uphold the illusion.

So we split, and we split again, like the little Russian dolls.

We look away, then again in a different direction- because we just can’t bear it. The pain of SEEING our horrible, no-good, unworthy, gross little selves.

Anyways you get the idea.

I’m writing this as I am in the process of healing the need to have a story.

Note: yes it is difficult, but what I described above is much harder.

I’m honoring the part of me that’s attached to the story as I’m writing this.

Simultaneously seeing myself and allowing myself to be seen. ..yikes!

I am trying on the belief that I am healed- no that I am whole.

There’s nothing to heal, and definitely nothing to fix. ..nothing is broken.

In fact- nothing is.

There is nothing. The past or future do not exist, and therefore all we have and all we are is right here, and right now.

We are creating and recreating ourselves every second.

We choose whether we want to continue pulling from the past (which was interpreted from a different level of consciousness), or if we want to lean into the unknown and stay wide awake to SEE what this moment is offering us.

The good news is we can “walk it back” at any time.

Actually, there aren’t any steps to take or a “back” to get to.

All that’s required is a different perspective. A subtle shift. A miracle moment.. .and here we are.

Photo: West Asheville, NC April 2022

Quick note (breaking character): this is the account of a self-initiated process.

Chosen and facilitated by me for me; and after alot of personal work and being seen/heard by the exact right people that showed up at the perfect time.

Being validated and self-validated in my wounding and loved through it was a neccessary step in my personal process, and gave me a little levity so that I could access the perspective I wrote from today.

Healing is highly individualized and not even closely resembling linear.

Blessings wherever you’re finding yourself 🙏