If anyone is reading this and knows how to add a hyperlink to “sequel entries” then feel free to leave a comment 😆🙄
The blog is in chronological order, but other than that I can’t claim there’s a method to the madness. ..I just try to honor what comes through- or get centered enough to pull ideas down from the quantum, where they’re filtered through my knowledge/experiences, etc.
So here goes!
In keeping with the theme of the family Scapegoat (a few entries back) I have a theory:
It’s the child that’s the most triggering to the narcissistic parent that becomes the Scapegoat.
I dont like to use labels (“narcissist”) but generally there are narcissistic traits present in a family that has a Scapegoat.
If not why would you need one?
The Scapegoat is the “release valve” of a toxic family system. If there isn’t devisive/aggressive energy then everyone gets to be welcomed and supported, but instead we often find triangulation, competition, harshness, etc in these family units.
If we play it out, narcissistic traits are the result of unresolved trauma and an invalidating home environment.
It was probably so severe that the person had to split off to survive; so a fragmented part is born- or multiples ones.
Sidenote: I will say this until I die- we ALL have parts; and thank God for them, because we wouldn’t have lasted past preschool if not.
Hollywood has portrayed the human condition as so utterly terrifying that we spend our whole lives running from our own damn selves, as opposed to doing the inner work. ..and how convenient for them because that’s how we stay traumatized and dependent on the Matrix.
Okay rant over.
Back to what creates narcissistic traits: Abuse from others becomes self hatred (and ultimately self abuse), which is too hard to be with, so it gets projected onto the external.
If someone is fragmented, they’re at war within themselves. The left cannot see what the right is doing. It may look like Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde.
They cannot under any circumstances bear to turn inward. It’s too hard. Too painful.
So how triggering would it be to have a child that acts as a mirror? Reflecting back their best and worst qualities.
They may have other children that (for whatever reason) are not as triggering to them, so they are more of a blindspot or a void. These children usually become the “Invisible child” (research family roles in alcoholic/narcissist families).
The ego can write the Invisible children off because they may not represent a hated fragmented part, but the Scapegoat child is another story.
The Scapegoat child evokes a “game on” reaction (aka trigger) in the narcissistic parent, even if the child is very young.
I highly suspect the child starts to trigger the parent once it becomes the age that the parent first internalized the belief that it was wrong or bad- but I can’t know that for sure, and it’s nearly impossible to research due to multiple factors.
I want to be really clear: the Invisible child in no way has an easier life- they usually just present differently.
They typically aren’t as obvious of a “symptom bearer” as the Scapegoat child, but they usually have as much wounding from being “not chosen” as the other child does from being “chosen.”
I say “chosen” because the Scapegoat is often in the spotlight. They get the best, but they also get the worst of the narcissistic parent.
Sometimes a different child will play the role of “Golden child,” but both roles can also coexist in one child. It can vascilate wildly depending on whether they’re being “good” (performing for love, etc) or “bad” (differentiating from the parent, or not meeting often unclear or unreasonable expectations).
I’m intentionally using very polarizing terms, because it illustrates the severity of the fragmentation and the way it’s often expressed in a narcissistic/addicted home.
For more on this, see the entry I wrote in summer of ’21 called “Shining too bright.”
As always, more to come❤🙏
Photo: West Asheville, NC April 2022
Anatomy of an Awakening 