Soul level

Growing up I wasn’t allowed to have negative feelings or to dislike anyone.

It didn’t matter what happened or how I was treated, I was told:

• “They’re doing the best they can.”

• “Be nice”

• “They love you.”

• “They have a good heart.”

I’m sure you can imagine what this looked like in adulthood – particularly in romantic relationships. Basically, making excuses for shitty behavior and “seeing the good” in people, even though they weren’t actually showing me anything very good.

I consider being able to connect at “soul level” to be one of my gifts, but admittedly, it doesn’t always serve me.

It’s resulted in me staying in situations longer than I should have because I just knew things would change.

I believe there’s devine timing in everything, and that “it takes as long as it takes,” but it will take a lot longer if we’re operating on an illusion we’ve created about a person or situation.

I’ve wondered so many times, “When will they see what I see?”

“Surely, if I just reflect back to them their own beauty and innocence. ..”

Inner child self was convinced this would work and had years of religious programming and codependency patterns to support her perspective.

However, in some cases, the person was actually hurting me, so it was a form of self-abandonment or even Stockholm Syndrome.

I was trying to comfort them over their emotional inadequacies (my perception) and/or prove to them that they were “good,” to my own detriment.

Meanwhile, I was in therapy and reading 5 self-help books trying to be a better person or get tougher so I could “handle it” better.

This is all very painful to think about now, but I suspect it’s at the root of many dysfunctional relationships- which is why I feel called to write about it.

I’ve since realized it is not my job to “see the good” in people that aren’t even seeing it in themselves, and that I dont get to determine who someone’s “true self” is.

Sidenote: This is also not kind to the other person. I see now that I’ve unintentionally hurt people by doing this. I believed at the time that I was helping them be better in some way (especially if they expressed an interest in personal growth), but it’s actually sending the message that they aren’t acceptable as they are.

It’s not fair for me to choose the side I like best, then get upset when that’s not who shows up. For the record, the “side” I feel comfortable with is the one that’s the most present, not just a random persona- but even that has variability to it.

Very few people have access to their “best self,” 24/7 (including me), so I need to be okay with a person’s range. We tend to have a baseline, then what we default to under stress, etc.

If someone hasn’t done intentional work to heal those fragmented inner child parts and bring them up to the present day, then we may see a drastic and abrupt age regression when they’re triggered.

It’s the total package- the whole “family” as an IFS practitioner would say; and if I can’t be okay with it, then I need to move on. ..easier said than done, because it’s usually taken the form of a trauma bond by this point, but I can’t cover it all in one entry lol.

Okay now to bring it back full circle to myself, since that’s all I have control over anyway:

So, how did I get like this? Lol

My upbringing was chaotic and inconsistent, so I learned to go straight to “soul level,” as a coping mechanism, because I couldn’t even begin to understand the surface level behaviors.

The phrases I listed at the beginning of the entry served as an overlay to my experience, so there was a lot of confusion and incongruence.

Because of this, it’s been a challenge for me to see anything, but peoples’ “positive” qualities in my adult life- or at least made it easier for me to justify the parts I wasn’t sure about. This made me a great Social Worker and therapist, but has also caused me to struggle in friendships and relationships.

I jokingly asked a friend on a recent phone call: “How deep should we have to go!? I mean, everyone’s SOUL is glittery.”

Isn’t this the truth?? I can get a little emotional over how beautiful peoples’ heart and soul are (and can often describe a color and texture lol), but if that’s all we’re able to connect to, then we’re signing up for a very difficult life.

Connecting at “soul level” is no longer enough for me. I need someone to meet me on the Earth plane.

I’m excited to hang up my “therapist” hat, smash my psychic crystal ball, and throw out my rocket scientist microscope so I can finally SEE what is right in front of my face.

The cool thing is that as I unburden my present day self of the weight I was carrying, I also free up inner child parts, and future versions of myself that have now healed the need to continue this pattern.

From soul level all the way to the 3D Earth plane and back again 😄

. ..and so it is 🙏