“Come here, go away”

If you’ve done some personal work and/or followed therapists on Instagram, you may be aware of this push/pull style of relating, also referred to as insecure or disorganized attachment.

Individuals who exhibit these pursue/retreat behavioral tendencies may have experienced instability during childhood in some form. It’s possible that the primary caregivers were not entirely safe or there was a lot of inconsistency for whatever reason.

Even in the absence of overt abuse, a lot can still be lacking in the areas of attunement, emotional regulation, and child/parent bonding during the formative years.

Examples:

• Parents that are warm and loving but leave the child with other people to go on long trips.
• Having a parent that uses a mind altering substance (alcohol, Benzodiazepines) and is nurruring and present at times but disengaged or even erratic at others.

• Homes where abuse happened behind closed doors (physical, mental, verbal, sexual), but the family “kept up appearances” to the community and outside world.

• Multiple caregivers and family members moving in and out of a child’s life over time, such as in a divorce/dating/remarriage scenario.

It can come in many different forms, but the end result is often that love, closeness, and intimacy do not feel safe. ..basically safety is not safe.

Everything is inverted when the original home and family did not allow us to take our armor off, and instead were the reason we put so much of it on. We end up protecting ourselves from what should have been protecting us.

So, back to the “Come here, go away” dynamic that shows up in so many of our relationships  as adults: if we’re not careful, it can turn into an abuse (including self-abuse) cycle, as it mirrors the same stress hormone pattern from childhood.

It is not unusual to re-create that with romantic partners and to become addicted to it (if we aren’t already). It’s not just romantic relationships that provide the irresistible hit of adrenaline and dopamine, but they’re often the most intense.

This whole theme came up for me recently as I navigated the end of a romantic relationship that had been on and off for approx 9 months (how else do you think I learn this stuff 🙃).

For all practical purposes, the breakup was mutual and seemed like if one of us didn’t leave it, the other one was going to.

The annoying part is that even though I was a willing participant in the dismantling of this union, a full-grown adult of sound mind and body- old enough to order a drink and fight for my country, with years of education and experience in the mental health field, a student of spiritual teachings, etc, etc, I still couldn’t get my brain to fully grasp that it was over.

It kept feeling like we would try again, even when there’s not really an indication that will be the case at this point. This is not the first time this has come up, as I can remember several times that I’ve judged or shamed myself for not being able to “take a hint,” or felt blindsided when I realized that my positive feelings for someone were not reciprocated (platonic friendships and family relationships included).

In an attempt to bring this present day situation to a close, I told myself he no longer cared about me, had moved on, etc, but even that didn’t satisfy the feeling that I hadn’t quite gotten to the heart of the matter.

Logically, I understood everything 💯, but there was still a felt sense of something being off.

So, what was it?

Was I using my psychic abilities to tap into a future timeline where we somehow worked it out and were living our best life together with one dog and 8 guinea pigs?

Was I just being delusional and have grossly overestimated my looks, personality, and what I have to offer a relationship in such a grandiose way that I’m now unable to fathom anyone not wanting to be with me?

Am I so incompetent that I can’t understand basic math

Me-you = no “us”

0+0 = 0

2÷2= 1 (each, seperately)

While I’ve never been great at math, and have been known to exhibit some intuitive abilities, I determined the more likely scenario is that the answer resides in my vinyl glittery, Lisa Frank diary from approx 1993.

It is unfortunately secured with an impenetrable state of the art mini-lock, with the key 🔑 lost forever, so I’ll have to just give it my best guess.

When I encounter something like this in my psyche that wont budge, despite my best efforts at achieving resolution, I’ve learned that the answer usually has to do with an inner child consciousness that’s still being looped through occasionally.

So, over the past few days, I’ve been working with a younger part of myself that was frequently very hurt and confused by the inconsistent behavior of a parent. I’ve done work on this before, but this seemed to be a new layer.

When I tapped into that inner child part, I saw that she also never accepted it was over because for a child, it never is.

There is no moving on because we can’t. That’s the vulnerability of being a child. No matter how terrible things are, how upset we get, how many episodes and altercations occur (usually with no acknowledgment or repair), we’re still helplessly dependent on caregivers for our next meal, and basically everything else.

For some people the first 16-18 years was an experience of the “come here, go away,” dance- all without actually being able to go away, despite sometimes really wanting to.

This was compounded and amplified times a million if there was sexual abuse because the child was used and discarded repeatedly; pulled in, then pushed away. ..sometimes drug through the whole cycle over a night and expected to be functional by breakfast.

The point of this is not to be depressing or portray insecure attachment as a lost cause, because I truly believe it can be healed.

It may, however, warrant some self-exploration to determine when and why the wires got crossed and reparenting the part of ourselves that’s still operating out of the survival programming that was so skillfully created back then.

This helps create a sense of safety in our minds and bodies, and from that place, we can learn new ways of relating to ourselves and others.

To tie up any loose ends from this entry, I felt a lot better once I was able to SEE what was actually happening- that material from the past was being projected onto the present and potentially creating a distortion- and access compassion for both inner child and adult self.

I scheduled a session with Julie White, a kinesiologist in Loveland, CO, to clear the energy surrounding the whole situation (this often includes yawning when discussing emotionally heightened things, and I’ve started to do it for myself and others).

We muscle tested what my body needed to regain homeostasis (this can be an affirmation, nutritional supplement, essential oil, Bach Flower Essences, etc).

Toward the end, we worked with my heart meridian to remove any energetic blockages and to bring light to that area. This extremely powerful work, and although it can be emotional at times, Julie has a way of keeping it light and fun. The word that comes to mind when I think of her is buoyant 😄

Following the session, I had a sense of peace and more clarity than I’d been able to access on my own. When I woke up this morning, I noticed the situation felt very far away, allowing me to be more present for my actual life and the people that are demonstratively choosing to be in it, and showing me they are by their words and actions in real time 🙏✨️

Photos: Blue Mountain Beach, FL July 2023