How to avoid scapegoating a child?
Stop scapegoating aspects of yourself.
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Continuation of post on pattern breakers and scapegoats. ..
I was asked this question last week, and it led to a very intentional and thought-provoking discussion with a dear friend.
During that discussion, I shared my thoughts on how family scapegoats are created and how you can tell a lot about the disowned shadow material and shame a family carries by seeing how they treat the pattern breaker (the stories they create about them, and how far they push them away).
Note: not all families have to turn a pattern breaker into a scapegoat. It’s usually the families with high levels of shame, disassociation, and/or addiction (to substances or behaviors).
While I didn’t have the phrase “stop scapegoating aspects of yourself” until this morning, I was able to communicate that scapegoats are created from a disowned or fragmented part of the parent that gets projected onto a child.
That’s why in dysfunctional family systems, there are usually clearly defined roles (golden child, problem child, invisible child, etc), and usually negative consequences for deviating from the assigned roles.
It’s because each role represents a part of the parent. They can’t SEE themselves or BE with their pain, so they have to project it out.
The golden child represents all of the parent’s unlived adventures and unfulfilled dreams and goals, and they often life vicariously through the child (no pressure).
The problem child represents the side of the parent that they hate and are disowning and pushing away in themselves.
The scapegoat either within one person or in the family system (microcosm/macrocosm) is forced to hold the pain of the entire system so that the rest can function.
In the same way that it’s uncomfortable to do our own shadow work (looking at our own traumas and maladaptive patterns), it is very painful to BE WITH the family scapegoat- to listen to their stories and take ownership of the part we may have played in the dynamic.
Quick note on sibling rivalry while we’re here:
If the system holds shame and someone is chosen to be the shame bearer, then the other parts of the system will try to get as far away from them as possible, because ew gross. ..they have cooties! 🦠🪱
Okay but forreal, it’s a version of Stockholm Syndrome where the children are trauma-bonded to the abusive parent as a way of survival. They dislike who the parent dislikes.
Once it gets to this point, it’s highly unlikely that any of them actually know what they’re doing or why they’re doing it due to extreme disconnection. Not to condone disrespectful behavior at all, but in my experience, it’s usually highly unconscious. ..to assume people know what they’re doing is oftentimes giving them way too much credit 🙃
I can write more on this if anyone is interested, but basically when there is a shortage of love/belonging (scarcity) or when the caregiver grants and withholds it s a means of controlling the system, then the siblings will throw each other under the bus in a heartbeat. There’s also a dynamic where people with narcissistic traits turn everyone else against each other in order to create a dependency on themselves 🙄
These are just patterns I’ve noticed over the years with friends, family, books I’ve read, and working with clients as a mental health therapist.
As always, take only what resonates 🙏
Anatomy of an Awakening 