Is it really about self-respect?

Okay I don’t know where this fits in (certainly not with anything I’m “supposed” to be doing today, lol) but I’d like to take a sec to explore something, and potentially suggest a decoupling of sorts.

There’s an idea that is very prevalent in healing spaces, particularly therapeutic settings, that if someone respects themselves, they will not participate in “unhealthy” relationships.

However, I’m not just sure it’s a matter of self-respect.

….attachment, energetic resonance, or functionality, perhaps, but not self-respect.

I’ve been in relationships that were very challenging and that some may have labeled as “unhealthy,” but were also some of my biggest learning experiences and ultimately necessary for my personal growth and evolution.

On this side of it, I can’t really say I respect myself any more than I did than when I was with those people, or than I did before I met them.

As Kelly Brogan said in a recent interview: I don’t know that I’m superior to my former self (paraphrase).

So, not only do I find the idea to be inaccurate, but I also feel it creates a ton of unnecessary shame.

I’m proposing we decouple the two, which would naturally release the judgment and shame and just allow everyone to live their lives.

The idea that we even get a say where others are concerned is an illusion. It’s not up to us to assess the level of self-respect they have or to grant or revoke the respect we have for them depending on their life choices.

This just sounds like a weird virtue program that is reinforcing societal conditioning around how “good” boys and girls behave.

Humans are worthy of respect just by existing. It’s not contingent upon their ability to play by the rules (that we made up in our head) or to never rock the boat.

To all the people navigating complex relationships right now, please know there’s actually no right or wrong and that the invitation may be to just accept your whole entire self right where you are.

To love the part of you that needs to play this out, and to know the answers will reveal themselves when they’re meant to.

You’re allowed your process.

If shame, judgement, or a harsh inner critic says any different, maybe those parts are actually the ones that need to be healed 🙏