Being good

Yes, and actually trying too hard to be “good” is often the opposite of being whole.

Usually, by adulthood, our ideas of what constitutes as “good” are not actually ours. If questioned, we may not even be able to say with certainty where they came from 🤔

. ..an episode of Full House or 7th Heaven from the 90’s anyone else?? 😅🤦‍♀️

This is how we wake up at the age of 35, 45, 55, and realize we’ve been living for some imaginary authority figure or running an externally imposed virtue program that’s gotten us nowhere.

The word “good” has been so bastardized and inverted and is now entangled with things such as organized religion, societal constructs of obedience and compliance, and the ways we had to behave as children to earn love and stay out of trouble.

When I say “good,” I’m not talking about kind, compassionate, or respectful. To me, “good” is more along the lines of nice and sweet.

These little soft words are an attempt at positivity, lol, but actually feel very vacuous to me at this point. Probably 10 years ago I started noticing the people who called me sweet or nice were most likely well-meaning, but usually weren’t seeing all of me, and/or had me on a pedestal in some way.

Sidenote: I just made up the term “soft words,” lol, but it makes sense to me. They are weak and cowardly, and I would not follow them into battle 🤓😂

Okay, back to the point: In the quest to be GOOD, truth, honesty, and authenticity are often sacrificed. If you ask me, the cost is just too great.

When I think about people I trust and respect, it’s not the people running the “good boy” and “good girl” programs. It’s the ones who aren’t afraid to tell the truth even when it’s hard and who remain intact when it would be much easier to split off (self-abandon).

The people I have trouble trusting are the ones who want so badly to be seen as good that they water down their truth or only tell me what they think I want to hear. I’ve found it impossible to have a close relationship when this dynamic is present because it’s enmeshed and unclear.

As I’m typing this, I’m realizing the most potent experiences with the feeling of betrayal were when I realized that people I was close to didn’t tell me something or allowed me to believe things about them that wasn’t true, perhaps because they thought I would judge them (I cant be sure on the “why,” so this is speculation). 

It was very confusing for me to reconcile because if I had known, perhaps I would have shown up differently to the interactions.  ..but maybe that was why they didn’t tell me 😭

Relationships like this are predicated on a falsehood, and therefore rob us of our freedom of choice since we aren’t making decisions based on complete or accurate information.

It’s like I wrote in my book:

“True informed consent can only occur within the context of full transparency.”

While I can’t control how others show up, I can take ownership of the part that I play in this. Going forward in friendships and romantic relationships, I will offer people a larger permission field to be themselves and give them a little more space to get clarity on what they believe and how they feel.

I will also continue to heal my own perfectionism and “good girl” programming so that it doesn’t unintentionally spill out onto others (as all programs inevitably do). I can look back and see where I’ve projected that onto people, which couldn’t have felt good.

This is all I have for now, as I really need to either take a nap, go to the grocery store, or finish the chapter of the book I’m writing where I discuss how spiritual awakenings are often pathologized and medicated in the mental health system 🤦‍♀️

Happy weekend 🙌✨️