No grace available

I’m so excited to meet the person who can see when I’m struggling and decides to lean in-

The person who says “Wow Lindsey just said or did something that was pretty uncharacteristic, she must be having a hard time.”

“Maybe she needs a hug, or just someone to listen.”

Because I have overfunctioned my entire life, this type of support just hasn’t been consistently available.

I would like to think people would be willing to help if they knew, but I’ve also experienced speaking up in the only ways I knew how, and not being met in that. Which was even more disappointing than if I’d never asked at all.

What do I mean by the word “overfunction?”

Well, for most of my life I was the perfectionist, the people pleaser, the performer, etc.

I was high achieving in school and extracurricular activities. I took AP classes, ran for student government, played tennis, did competitive cheerleading, and was heavily involved in church youth group activities- in fact, I rarely missed one.

I eventually became a licensed mental health therapist, then direct commissioned into the United States Army.

In most of these endeavors, there’s was very little room for error. I afforded myself even less, which meant late nights, early mornings, skipped meals, and periods of hair loss, acid reflux, and other stress-related symptoms beginning at age 15.

In my senior year of high school I won Homecoming Queen, Miss MTCS, and Best Personality.

I presented as having it all together, and within that framework, I mostly did, but it would eventually take a toll.

Fast forward years later after working several years in the mental health feild, and 7 years of military service, I was diagnosed with Lyme. The official diagnosis came in ’19 after years of symptoms following military vaccines in ’14 and ’15.

I will never forget a phone call with my brother shortly following my military discharge (due to being medically unfit).

I don’t remember how we got on the topic of my health concerns, but at some point he accused me of “playing the victim.”

Because my psche was so whittled down from a falling out with another family member earlier that year, I actually started to doubt myself.

Did I make it all up? Were my symptoms real?

This was the first time I disassociated so severely that I was simultaneously holding two realities in my head at the same time. I was vascilating back and fourth between the two rapidly, not sure which one to land on.

It was very glitchy

In the weeks following that conversation I found myself wondering how he could even say that.

As I replayed the conversation in my head one day, it finally clicked:

He is 5 years younger than me and has always looked up to me. It’s as if he thought “Lindsey can’t actually be doing this bad- she must be faking it.”

Like any family relationship, there was a lot more going on between us than just that, but I really do think that was in there somewhere.

Fast forward even further to my current life. I am no longer overachieving at anything by any stretch of the imagination.

It’s actually the opposite. I have to implement alot of self-care practices to be well and to have the energy to participate in my life- eventhough it is pretty quiet for the most part.

Because I am upbeat and articulate, most people would never know that I’ve intermittently been on the Autism spectrum most of my life- depending on multiple factors, including my level of stress and how resourced I am (internal and external resources).

As im typing this, I’m realizing that I’ve never done a blog entry on the specifics of what that looks like, so I will try to write that one soon.

The point of bringing this up is that it seems that once again I have unintentionally created a scenario where I am rarely met or held in my struggles. 

I’ve done a lot of work around my hyperindependence , or what I call the “Lone Ranger Program,” but still, here I am.

If anyone is wondering, writing a book has not helped the situation. It’s actually made it worse- especially in the area of dating.

Don’t get me wrong, the 3 book sales from my online dating matches during launch week (May ’25) were unmatched as far as feeling seen and supported- actually, make that 2 book sales, because one of them actually bought the wrong book and sent me a selfie with it 😅

Anyways, that is as far as it goes with the book contributing positively to romantic endeavors.

The other times I felt like it gave people a false picture of who I am on a typical day, and/or resulted in them having too high expectations of me in some ways.

Don’t get me wrong, I love my book and am so honored when people take a sincere interest in it. I’ve said before that if you got through the whole thing and still want to talk to me at the end, you are my people!

While I do agree with the message of the book and the information I shared in it, the book is not me and I am not it.

I also cant be held responsible for the version of me that people create in their head when they’re reading it.

So anyways, ironically the point is that I am very HUMAN.

(The name of the book is Diagnosis: HUMAN).

I’ve yet to find a great way to communicate this, but I have said to people I’ve dated in the past: “Don’t put me on a pedestal, because when I fall, I fall hard.”

It’s a long way to the bottom.. .

Literally.  ..ouch.

So, to wrap this up, I’m excited to call in relationships where we can connect as equals, instead of creating some type of hierarchy and/or projecting idealized versions of ourselves onto each other and into the world.

My homework is to not hold things in until it’s unbearable, and to titrate asking for help – even in small ways – as things come up (instead of getting into a hole or shame spiral then feeling overwhelmed).

Mantra: “It is safe to be seen and supported.”

Blog entry coming soon on why placing people on a pedestal is actually not SEEing the truth of who they are, and how it doesn’t do any of us any favors.

Stay tuned 🙏🪷

Nokomis Beach December 2025