Oops

I was today years old when I realized what I was trying to say 2 days ago on a text conversation.

Because of how the interaction went, I was denied the opportunity to explain where I was operating from.

I am taking ownership of my need for self-expression by sharing about the experience here. I figure it’s just as good a place as any, plus I can’t be the only one who’s experienced this, so maybe others can benefit 🤷‍♀️

The conversation was with someone I was getting to know romantically. We had approx 4 days that went great with a lot of talking, laughing, and sharing, then we had 1 off night.

It wasnt the and of the world by any means, but it was enough to leave me feeling unsettled and distant.

For the record, I think we were both doing the best we could given the circumstances. They were right in the middle of a huge work project, and I had been up since very early doing errands and various other life tasks.

This was admittedly the first time I’d seen them in “work mode,” and it was a very different experience of them than I’d seen up to that point.

Nonetheless, I tried to stay present and be supportive. This was a critical juncture in their career and I didn’t want to add to the stress. Plus I really did believe in what they were doing.

The plan was for them to focus on work for a few days, then I was told they would be available to have quality time with me again.

That would’ve been great except the “off night” registered as a relational rupture in my system and I didn’t feel close to them at all after that.

They sent a flirty text the next day and I just had to be honest. I said their energy the night before felt like a bully. We talked about it, but because we didn’t do a phone call or see each other in person, it still didnt feel great.

Contributing factor: I’ve realized over the last day or two that I don’t have object permanence. This is from childhood trauma and I am working on it (seeing a neuro acupuncturist twice a week + home exercises).

How does this pertain to the situation I am describing?

Well, you would think it would be “out of sight, out of mind,” but instead it’s “out of sight, out of connection.”

Its not that I don’t think they exist, but more like they feel very far away or like we don’t know each other. This is especially true if we are not “good to go,” as we used to say in the military.

So what does it take to repair and for me to feel close to the person again?

Usually hearing their voice or physical touch. These are both very grounding for me and can go a long way in restoring connection and attunement.

As it got closer the end of the week, we were talking about when we were going to see each other next. I will openly admit that the previous few days were challenging for me after having so much fun the weekend before, so I was already starting the conversation on empty and feeling unseen and unsupported.

Im just saying how I felt, regardless of whether or not this was logical, or if I “should” have felt this way or not.

What I wasn’t able to articulate at the time is that I was very hurt that they weren’t prioritizing repair.

They actually sent me their schedule, but to be honest, all I saw was a list of things that mattered more to them than me or our “relationship.”

I did not feel like they cared, eventhough I had prioritized them multiple times the previous week, including canceling one of my acupuncture appointments to attend an event they planned.

I was glad to do that, but just felt like I wasn’t being offered the same consideration only a few days later.

Oh and to be clear: I am not someone who needs to see their partner every day, or be attached at the hip. If our connection is strong, then it’s no big deal to be apart for a little while if needed. Plus I’m really big on freedom, space, and autonomy.

That being said, we weren’t good, and I felt like they were “dangling the carrot,” and “moving the goal posts” on when we could see each other because it kept getting moved back.

I am more than willing to sit with my “stuff” before responding to insure I don’t project past material onto present day situations, so I did take time to consider if I was overreacting.

But thing is, since we were so new I didn’t have a lot to go off of. Who’s to say they weren’t playing games or being careless and reckless with me?

Sidenote: believe me, as someone who has a history of trauma, being gaslit, and being in relationships with avoidant people who use work to avoid intimacy, I have earned my issues 🫠

I felt they were putting me in a box and not offering me a dignified way forward. In that moment I also doubted whether it would ever get better.

What if this is just the way they structure their life, and there really isn’t room for me in it 🤔

The 2 options I saw were either they dont care about me as much as they said they did – or they do care, but their idea of caring is drastically different than mine.

So anyways, that was stressful and we are no longer speaking.

I do wish I had said “Im hurt because you aren’t prioritizing repair,” because maybe they thought I was reacting that way over planning a standard hangout, and that it would always be like this with me – that I wouldn’t respect their alone time, work, gym, etc, which isn’t true (I also need space for those things).

Better luck on my next thing I guess 🤷‍♀️

Also, I’m sorry for anyone who’s had a similar situation where you felt misunderstood, couldn’t fully process it until it was too late, then never got a chance to clarify 🙏

Picture: Nokomis Beach, FL North Jetty December ’25