Real talk

Greetings from the fox hole. ..I’m on day 4 of the myofascial unwindings that I wrote about in the last entry.

I’m in a good little “battle rhythm” with them at this point- taking breaks to eat and tend to my life (feed the guinea pigs, check mail, brush my teeth), but am doing very little else besides sleeping.

I was very fortunate to be able to clear my schedule so that I could honor what is happening in real time.

I’m moving through a lot of grief today and decided to jump on here and share a few thoughts reserved for subscribers to the blog and others who visit my site every once in a while. ..I’m not posting this one to social media like I do most entries.

So here’s something very few people talk about. There’s a huge risk involved with healing.

In my experience, you will lose people, places, jobs, etc. You trade them in for a more authentic version of yourself.

When you shed layers and layers of the “not self” often found in the white space and open centers on a Human Design chart, you’re met with who you actually are underneath all of that.

Put another way, as we integrate trauma fragments (younger parts stuck in the past), we collect the parts of our soul we had to disown at some point in order to survive (soul retrieval).

As we release survival stress, physical toxins, and the body memory of trauma from our energy fields, things will start to fall out of resonance. We will just no longer be a match for them. This includes certain foods, music, stores, etc.

What exactly does this look like? Well, for one, friends and family may start to feel very far away.

Normally, I’m hyper connected with friends all around the US, and have a sense for what’s going on in several places at once (what can I say, I’m a Gemini, lol). However, when I have an intense clearing, it’s like some places just drop off the map, and some people just fade away. If you’re on a similar journey, you’ll start to notice it’s often mutual. They just won’t reach out.

I read a few years ago that if we’re out of someone’s frequency range, they literally cannot see us. I played around with it for a while and found it to be true.

I even saw someone go invisible when I was living in Asheville, but that’s a story for another day!

Asheville is sitting on rose quartz and is a vortex, so it’s just trippy like that regardless (research Siddhis, or “yogic superpowers” for more on this) ✨️

Back to the point of this entry: If someone asked me whether or not your external world will change (be dismantled) when you heal trauma or have a spiritual awakening, I would say that everyone’s journey is different.

However, if they ask about mine specifically, I’d say I’ve burnt mine to the ground and built it back on my own terms approximately 10 times at this point.

I really don’t think everyone HAS to do this. It probably just depends on:

• How far from your “true self” you are to begin with.
• How programmed you are (discussed in previous entries).
• What your purpose here is, and if you even have a desire for things to be different.

For some people, the remedy may just be to switch churches or pick up a new hobby. That was not quite my experience 🙃

I happened to be active duty military (literally government property) when I realized the escalator was going up and up, but that i wanted to be on “that one, over there.” I realized even putting on the uniform each morning was taking me so far out of my baseline that it wasn’t even worth it to try to get back to “true self” after work.

My conclusion was that I may as well just wait til the weekend. You can imagine what this did to my body, particularly hormones, but I would not fully hit a wall for a little while longer.

Let’s just say that extricating myself from that was a dumpster 🔥 but from the other side, I see it was a non-negotiable next step on my journey.

Like any big change, it was a leap of faith because we literally do not know what’s on the other side. As I told myself while in the discharge process: “You can’t think out thoughts while you’re in.”

So here goes nothing!

Fast forward several years and THREE out of state moves later, and I’ve learned to walk a little lighter on the earth, so that it’s not so destabilizing to pivot or even change course altogether; but I’d be lying if I said it’s always easy (I still have stuff in storage, ugh).

Sidenote: How does this currently look? I’m very minimalist with furniture, and my wardrobe is extremely basic. I focus on being present in the moment with people, but do not make many long-term commitments.

The not so convenient news is in many ways we’re still bound by the 3D reality and societal “matrix,” and are not exempt from things like switching our car insurance, paying HOA fees, and/or flat tires.

I joke that I could move 20 feet to the left, and if it happens to be over the state line, I have to tell 10 people.

My journey has been very geographical, so you’d think I’d be better at all of this! I actually think I’m getting worse, if that’s possible 😅

Where am I going with this? Well, at the present time I feel I’m on the brink of another death.

Up until this point, it’s been the death of an aspect of myself also known as “ego death,” but it can feel like an actual physical death; not the severity of symptoms, but more the internal knowing that accompanies the experience.

I have done it over and over again. Death and rebirth, death and rebirth. ..

At this point, it doesn’t evoke feelings of doom or dread. Instead, it’s more expectant. Knowing that what’s to come will be a match for my new self and that anything that falls away is meant to go.

I’ve actually started to get what some people would refer to as depersonalizion when I’m showing up in spaces that are no longer a good fit. To me, it’s just an indicator that something is no longer in resonance. I feel disengaged and like I’m “glitching out” in that timeline, lol.

I’ve found that as I heal, I sometimes get looped back around to what feels like 1994 to collect a part of myself I left “back there,” or to SEE something from a more evolved vantage point.

An example of this is when I’m in a Myofascial Release session with my person in FL, we listen to 90’s country. How perfect, since my body is probably letting go of things that got stuck around that time!

I told a friend the other day someone that in lieu of a name or label for “what I am,” (the human need to define it strikes again), I call myself “weird little time traveler person.” 😄🤷‍♀️

I suspect that will calm down the more I release from my system, aka raising the consciousness of the physical body so that I can be more present in the NOW, because that’s really all we have.

Speaking of that. ..

When thinking about what’s to come, it feels resolute, like a soldier who is awaiting orders to their next duty station. He/she is fully aware of what they signed up for and willingly answers the call.

. ..and just like the military, I’m on a “need to know basis,” for better or worse 🙄

Once again, there is a grief process. So today I’m honoring that and knowing that I have the capacity to hold it all, and that I’ll be given the tools to navigate what’s to come when I need them- and usually not a minute before 🪷