Differentiation

What to do if you suspect someone is making you the enemy in their story and is withdrawing from the relationship?

Let them.

Everyone is allowed their process, and if it’s meant to be, it will come back around.

Differentiation is a necessary developmental milestone, but so many of us were never allowed to do it safely due to emotionally immature parents and/or enmeshment in the family unit.

Because of this, we may make someone wrong or bad in our minds so that we can have the experience of leaving- which can go a long way to make up for all the times we wanted to leave but couldn’t.. .aka rewriting the ending.

I, for one, apparently had to prove to myself on some level that I could leave, so I left everything.  ..for a few years!

Now I’m learning how to stay lol. ..oh the irony 🤦‍♀️

Sidenote: I don’t regret anything I’ve left, and I actually think the biggest lesson out of all that was to stop entering into things that didn’t feel right in the first place, but these are interesting patterns to observe regardless.

Anyways, back to differentiation:

Ideally we wouldn’t have to vilify someone in order to differentiate; we could simply say “this isn’t a good fit,” or identify that we’ve outgrown something and move on; but if we were never allowed to individuate growing up, then we may not be able to “just leave,” so we look for a reason- or create one.

In my experience, if you have to have a REASON, you’ll get one 🙄

These days, I try really hard to listen to my inner knowing and just step away before it becomes some huge thing.

Rob Bell said it best in a podcast a few years ago: “What could have been a graduation became a divorce.”

YES. ..but ouch.

Anyways, back to the experience of being the one that someone is stepping away from. ..

If I notice a friend differentiating from me or putting more space between us than usual, I try to remember it may actually a compliment on some level.

They feel safe enough to do so without fear of reprisal. They may also feel secure enough in the relationship to honor the natural ebb and flow that occurs naturally between people.

Overly pursuing them for answers is highly unlikely to yield a positive outcome, as they may not know where they will land once the dust settles.

Sidenote: I have personally needed SELF permission to never talk to someone again, then once I had that, I found I actually wanted to re-engage (attachment issues anyone!? 🙋‍♀️)

As hard as these situations can be, the last thing I’d want is for someone to continue the relationship out of obligation or because they’re trauma bonded to me in some way (“frenemies”).

Not to say I’ve never done anything wrong, or behaved in a way that warranted people no longer engaging, but for the purpose of this entry I’m talking about situations where we don’t know what we said or did (if anything), or there’s just a vague undefined tension or a void.

Imagine what a different world it would be if we all were secretly a little proud of the people who parted ways with us because that means they did the very brave work of being true to themselves, as opposed to self-abandoning?

If someone has to step away from me to remain intact within themselves, then I hope I can have the grace and intestinal fortitude to wish them well.

Also, I don’t really want to be friends with people who low-level despise me lol. ..

I’ve felt this before, and it’s a little creepy. It’s like they don’t like me, but they want to. ..but they just don’t. . .BUT they aren’t taking ownership of the fact that they don’t, so it just feels like they’re tolerating me or that I’m on thin ice and one wrong move, and I’m toast!

No, thank you 😄

This may be a new way of looking at things, which is why I decided to take a sec and get it onto the “page” this evening before it left my mind.

I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments section, and as always, feel free to share the blog with others you feel may benefit 🙏

Photo: FT Walton Beach, FL March 2023