“Personality Disorders”

As I edit the chapter I wrote on “personality disorders,” I’ve had several interesting conversations with friends on this topic.

I always love these convos, as they give me insight into where the collective is at in their understanding and give me practice in contemplating the complexities of human behavior and articulating my perspective.

Okay, so here’s the deal: When we label someone with a personality disorder (mental health professionals included), we are OTHERING them.

We are putting them in a separate category away from us. ..over there….with “those people.”

While I understand the desire to do this, the truth is we’re chopping our own legs off. Human behavior is on a continuum and is highly influenced by the person’s environment, past traumas, present-day resources, etc.

As inconvenient and unbelievable as it may seem, we’re all capable of exhibiting every single behavior if given the right conditions.

The reason I don’t recommend calling someone a narcissist or other personality disordered diagnostic label is not because it’s “mean” or even untrue.

It’s because we get an ego benefit from using those labels (usually a feeling of superiority and virtue) and until we’re willing to forgo that benefit, then we’ll continue to recreate the present day situation that we supposedly hate but also can’t leave.

I’ve seen so many people feel very justified in their diagnostic impression of someone, only to end up back in the same situation over and over again.

It’s because using the labeling people seems to absolve them of their personal responsibility to learn from the situation.

A.k.a. The learning and growth stop where the label begins.

I understand these situations are complex, but asking the question “Do they have a personality disorder?” Is a trap that can keep us stuck for years.

The better questions may be:
•”Do I feel safe around this person?”
• “Do I respect them?”
• “Do they respect me?”

If the answers to these questions is no, then everything else is irrelevant.

See below for 2 hard truths I’ve learned over the past few years 🙌

Photos: Zen Gardens Panama City Beach FL, September 2024