Life lately

Sunrise at YoWash Laundromat!

This is a weekly occurrence for me while I’m in Sarasota, and now that I have my routine down, I may actually miss it when I return to the panhandle in a few weeks 🙃

If you’ve known me for awhile or read my book, you may know I developed chemical sensitivities following military v a c c ines in ’14 and ’15. Because of this, laundromats can be a literal hell realm because of all the artificial fragrances and chemicals.

I’ve found that if I get here first thing in the morning I can get a machine thats been cleaned and not used yet that day, AND a lot of the chemicals and smells from the previous day cleared out overnight.

So anyways, this is my life right now 🤷‍♀️

Speaking of a “hell realm,”my time in Sarasota has honestly been really challenging. I’ve been here on and off since mid November, and thought at one point that I may actually relocate.

At the present time, it is not looking like that will be the case. While I normally wouldn’t share this for fear of seeming “ungrateful” (childhood messaging), I really just don’t care anymore.

It’s not that parts of Sarasota aren’t beautiful, or that it’s not a nice place to come visit, but it just feels like everyone is operating out of ego and there’s very little remembrance of who we actually are, or why we’re here (🌎).

I put out a declaration to the universe 2 weeks ago that if I don’t start seeing more SOUL, I’m moving back to Asheville. While I don’t know if that will actually happen, it would not be a bad deal. The people there tend to have an innate understanding of the inner-connectivity of all of life, including their inner and outer worlds, their bodies, and nature.

Their souls are OUT FRONT, and because of this,  it’s not unusual to have a deep convo or even a past-life recognition in line at Whole Foods or a coffee shop.

South Florida on the other hand. ..

With very few exceptions, my attempts to form relationships (platonic or romantic) have somehow taken the form of a humiliation ritual. I am not kidding when I say it’s been that bad.

I have a shamanic healer who I see remotely as needed, and I joked in a recent email that my time here has felt like a military deployment or spiritual bootcamp, just because it’s been one thing after another the whole time.

By those point inthe story, you may be asking why I am still here.

Why dont I just go home?

Well I committed to a few months in my studio apartment, but also I really wanted to give it a chance.

I felt called to come down here and I’ve learned to honor that if at all possible, and of course it has’nt been all bad. There has been intermittent reinforcement, like any abusive relationship/trauma bond should contain, of course 🙄🤦‍♀️

One thing that’s been a huge blessing, that I can share more about later, is that I’ve been seeing a neuro acupuncturist and have made a lot of progress. However, I just finished my sessions with him, which may be why (among other things) I’m like “okay literally what am I doing here!?”

I originally wanted to connect with some like-minded people and get engaged in meaningful work so that if I did decide to move down, it would be a smooth transition instead of the “rip the band aid off” approach I’ve taken in the past (I’ll be 40 in a month and I just cant do those crazy moves anymore!), but once again, attempts at this have not only failed, but have actually been a little traumatic.

To wrap this up: 3 days ago I was otw to get a trim and just felt called to be SO honest with myself and with life so I said out loud in the car that “I F-ing hate it here and if it doesn’t get better in the next 4 days (when I have to give my notice at the apartment), then Puffy and I are leaving” 😅

I’ve heard adding guinea pig buy-in to your manifestation/declarations exponentially increases their power, so I thought it couldn’t hurt 🤷‍♀️

While I can’t say that everything has dramatically improved since then, I do like my haircut, and I did get closure on something yesterday afternoon that feels significant (and will hopefully make room for new people and opportunities to show up). I also had a great workout last night at my gym that I really like.

So, I am just trying to take one day at a time and make the most of the few weeks I have left here.

Thanks for coming to my Ted Talk 🙏